Vanish
by SorryImLate
Summary: Death is no stranger to the shinobi world. Comrades die. It happens, and always will. Why can't Kakashi accept that?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Vanish  
Summary: Death is no stranger to the shinobi world. Comrades die. It happens, and always will. Why can't Kakashi accept that?  
Rating: M, just to be safe

A/N: So, I decided to re-write some of my past stories and improve them, but while on holiday, my laptop exploded and I lost them all! But thanks to _unjaundiced, _I got it this one back, so thank you so much for saving it!

x—

Tired, mismatched eyes gazed emptily into space, blinking slowly to shift away the black dots dancing in his vision. The sound of the ticking clock kept the deathly silence at bay, counting down its remaining minutes before that dreadful noise would fill the room. He hadn't moved for hours in hopes of sleep finally finding him, but no matter how long he'd closed his eyes for, or how hard he tried to shut off his mind, it wouldn't come.

A familiar numbness had taken over his body, draining him of his energy. Every muscle felt so worn out like they could tear at the slightest movement. His spine was stiff from the rest he'd denied it, and his eyelids felt heavy as he struggled to keep them open, yearning for at least a couple of minutes rest. For a year it had become an ongoing battle just to master the capability of falling asleep, so much that the dark rings under his eyes had become part of his identity.

'Today is the tomorrow you were worrying about yesterday,'

That 'today' had come faster than Kakashi had wanted; hit him harder than he could ever have prepared himself for. He wished for nothing more than to disappear under the sheets and sleep for the entire today, away from the village, his comrades, friends, and… the plain aspect of everything this day was going to be about.

He wished he could chase away the sickening feeling that lingered deep in the pit of his stomach, making itself known in sharp twists and tugs within every breath he took. He wished he could steal this moment of privacy as a chance to release the tears he'd been holding onto, to allow himself this one time to fall straight down to the bottom of his despair until his throat felt too raw to make another noise. But he feared if he let himself drop, he wouldn't be able to climb back up again, and so he caged away the urge and locked it up tightly, a trained method that was almost second nature to him now.

He closed his eyes again and nestled his face into the warm fabric that had been folded and squashed against his pillow, an old navy sweater that had been taken from its hanger long ago. His long, pale fingers tenderly stroked the crinkled material of the sleeve's cuff, fingertips rolling back and forth against the fabric as he inhaled a scent that had long since disappeared. Eyes closed, he drifted from his surroundings, returning to warmest place inside his imagination where the cool air against his spine was replaced by two grasping hands at his skin, pulling him so painfully close that he could barely breathe, but felt so alive.

The alarm finally sounded with an ear-piercing ring, jolting him from his fantasy as the noise drilled into his ears. With a grimace, Kakashi flung out an arm to shut it off, and then slowly sat up in the bed, spine clicking in its stiff frame. He rubbed his tired eyes and inhaled a deep, fresh breath of air, preparing himself with whatever strength he had left for the upcoming challenge.

The cold floor sent a soothing feeling to the soles of his feet, waking him some more from his lingering daze. He stepped into the bathroom and pulled the string attached to the ceiling to turn on the shower. The sound of rushing water drowned out the silence, having over the past year become a comforting noise and durable distraction, along with the kitchen radio, and the chirping birds outside during spring and summer. Stripping from his bottoms, he then stepped into the shower, his hair instantly sagging from its usual gravity-defying shape underneath the pouring water. He rubbed the washing cloth into his face, focusing on the strong scent of body gel that burned his nostrils, a unique fragrance he'd come across – a different brand to what they'd normally use. As the water washed away the body gel, he suddenly felt refreshed and… safe, because any sly tears that dared to creep through were immediately washed away with it, as though they'd never existed.

Finally dressed and fully equipped with his choice of weaponry, he took a long gaze at the village past the glass window, forcing a look of determination in his eye.

He could get through this day. He had no choice but to.

x—

"…And on that note, I'm sure we all know what day it is today," a deep sigh left Tsunade's lips, as she mentally rehearsed her announcement on the fragile subject.

Her subordinates fell silent, each member of the gathered crowd catching the meaning of her words.

"We'll be going through the day as normal. I don't want any out-of-character behaviour from anyone – you finish your duties and then head down to the mission room at six o'clock. Kakashi will be out of the village for most of the day, so I expect the room finished by the time he returns."

The two chuunin put in charge of preparing the room, Izumo and Kotetsu, nodded in agreement.

The hard look in Tsunade's eyes faded slightly, as she put aside her own beliefs towards Kakashi's current situation, understanding that this was going to be a difficult day. "I apologise for the short notice of this meeting. I know this is a difficult time for a lot of you, especially where friends and students are concerned. We're doing everything we can to make this celebration of memory suitable for anyone who would like to pay their respects."

She was very careful with her words, cautious of unintentionally giving off the impression that one comrade was of more value than another, but also extremely aware of the copy ninja's fragility right now.

She raised her hand in dismissal, and the room slowly began to empty as her subordinates resumed their duties.

"Poor guy," Kotetsu mumbled quietly, gazing down at the floor.

"I know," Raidou winced. "It must be hard for him. It's been over a year now…"

A small sigh left Genma's lips as he rolled his senbon along his teeth, before offering his friends an encouraging smile.

"Kakashi's a survivor, he'll be alright. He knows we're all here for him too. He'll probably come in a little later than usual today, so just be patient with him," His smile then faded, dark brows knitting in deep pity for his friend. "He's going to have a really shit day today…"

"God…" Izumo whispered, stealing a weak glance of his closest friend, Kotetsu. "I don't know what I'd do… Do you think this party is a good idea? I mean, what if he just wants to be left alone…"

Genma sighed again and gave a weak shrug, unable to find an answer.

"It'll show that we're thinking of him," Kotetsu tried to lighten the subject. "I think Kakashi would appreciate that."

"There isn't really a 'good idea' in these circumstances," Tsunade, who had been listening in on their conversation, interrupted them. "We're doing everything we can to help Kakashi through this, but, really…" Her eyes fell to the ground in guilt for the harsh reality she was about to bring to life. "The sooner he accepts it, the sooner he can get on with his life. This isn't the first time this has happened, and it certainly won't be the last."

She gave them a look of empathy, wanting them to know that she _did _understand. "Maybe this party is just what he needs… to help him say goodbye, and realise that Iruka isn't coming back."

The four Leaf nin were silent, gazing anywhere in the room but their Hokage to avoid the awkward atmosphere getting worse, or some form of conflict at the severity in her words. But as cruel as she seemed, they all knew she was right; Umino Iruka was dead, and it was about time Kakashi accepted it.

Tsunade apparently sensed the atmosphere, as she quickly made her excuses to leave, not wanting to make this day any harder than it should be.

"Well, I better go find him and assign this mission," She sighed, "Have the room ready for six," before turning on her heel and leaving the room.

"Old hag," Genma muttered under his breath, (obviously, when her foot steps had left the corridor). He glanced to Izumo and Kotetsu and raised a generous brow. "I have a mission now, but I'll stop by and give you a hand in the mission room later, if you want?"

"Alright," Izumo nodded, turning to Kotetsu. "We should go and fetch those bottles and set up for the party," He turned back to Genma. "We'll see you later."

"Later," Genma smiled, and leaped through the open window.

He made his way to the village entrance gates to start his mission, though his mind was still elsewhere, wondering how this party was going to turn out. It was a risky move, as Genma couldn't for the life of him predict what Kakashi's reaction towards it would be. The copy ninja had always valued his privacy, _especially_ now, and _especially_ when it came to Iruka.

Ever since 'that day,' the name had become almost forbidden to mutter within the copy ninja's hearing range. His reactions had become so unpredictable and extremely out of character for the Hatake Kakashi the village once knew. As a teammate and close friend, Genma had watched Kakashi's entire personality slide from one extreme to another. He had witnessed the cold, nasty-looking warning glare Kakashi would shoot towards anyone who dared bring up what had happened, as though Iruka's demise was strictly Kakashi's business only. It was a look no comrade wanted to be on the receiving end of, especially when it was so painfully obvious that any sort of conflict with Kakashi could possibly be just enough to bring the man over the edge.

Only on one occasion had Genma seen Kakashi actually cry; a drunken night they'd shared together with a bottle of sake, which Kakashi had made Genma promise to never mention again. In all honesty, Genma couldn't deny that it was one of the most uncomfortable moments he'd ever been in, to see the infamous copy ninja, sharingan Kakashi break down like that.

Truth be told, Kakashi was seriously struggling, and Genma could see it, but didn't know what to do about it. He wished he could find the answer to help his comrade and friend. The feeling of helplessness towards Kakashi's pain was so infuriating, where the only thing he could do was simply 'be there,' but even being there felt useless, because the only presence that could ever help Kakashi was Iruka's.

Genma sighed, chasing away his deep thoughts for the sake of keeping focused on his mission. They'll find out later how Kakashi would take it, he guessed.

Still, he was very worried.

It could go two ways; either Kakashi would finally be able to say his goodbyes, or this could make things a lot worse…

x—

The mission had been… bizarre. The scroll Kakashi was supposed to retrieve had been buried so deep inside its cave it had taken almost ten different types of traps to disarm and reach it. His senses had been alert, staying focused and on-guard for any shinobi lurking in the shadows to protect what was theirs, but the only sign of life he'd come across were various types of bugs that seemed attracted to his scent.

He made his way back to the village, covered in dirty water from the huge puddle he'd threw himself in to avoid the set of kunai that'd been released as an after-effect of deactivating one of the traps. Insects crawled along his silver strands, crossing various twigs and crumbs of dirt that had stuck to his hair due to that thick, greasy puddle. And yet, there was not a single scratch on him – not an enemy in sight, only a dozen traps, more or less.

His exhaustion had found him again now that he was left to his thoughts. He'd hoped the mission would have taken longer, so that he could return to the village later when there would only be a few hours left before this day was finally done. He didn't want to return so soon, left with nothing to do but imagine how things could have been, if only…

Finally stepping through the village gates, he took a quick glance around, considering heading towards the pharmacy to find something that could help him sleep, just for tonight…

"Kakashi-sensei!" a voice suddenly called his name.

He turned towards the direction it came from, eye widening curiously at the polite smiles Izumo and Kotetsu gave him.

"Yo," he greeted back in a casual voice, lifting a hand in a small wave. "Am I late?"

Izumo chuckled. "Nah, but you are needed in the mission room," He shrugged, turning to Kotetsu. "Something about an invalid report, wasn't it?"

"Something like that, yeah."

Kakashi nodded with an inward sigh, a familiar sense of dread returning to his heart that seemed to grow stronger each time he set foot in that place. Each visit there made the reality seem stronger, more intimidating and… final, and Kakashi couldn't stand it - to enter that room and _expect_ his lover not to be there anymore, it almost felt like he was betraying Iruka by doing such a thing. That he was giving up…

"Are you alright?"

Kotetsu's voice pulled him back from his thoughts, and he glanced back at the two chuunin, watching in hidden disgust as their eyes offered him nothing but sympathy and concern – never answers he desperately needed, but pity. Deep inside he knew they meant no harm; that they were trying to show that they cared, but he couldn't stand to be looked at that way, as though he was so pathetic, he wasn't aware of what was happening to him.

It looked like there was something Izumo desperately wanted to say that was at the tip of his tongue, but held back in fear of making things worse. Kakashi couldn't deny his relief when it didn't come, and after a small nod of thanks, he turned and headed towards the mission room.

Kotetsu watched his friend's shoulders deflate as the chuunin released a deep sigh.

"I _knew_ I shouldn't have asked!" Izumo groaned, slapping his palm to his face.

"Come on," Kotetsu gave his friend a light prod. "We need to get to the mission room."

x—

Kakashi stopped outside the mission room door, preparing himself for the inevitable. He lifted a gloved hand to the handle, and stopped as he heard a collection of muffled voices reach the door. He inwardly groaned, having hoped there'd only be one or two people inside to smile politely and apologise for his 'loss.' Taking in a deep breath, he turned the handle and opened the door, his wide eye staring in astonishment and then horror when he was greeted by the perfect description of his own personal form of Hell.

The room was filled with various people – shinobi and civilian – talking amongst themselves while sipping sake from expensive looking glasses. In the corner of his eye, he saw Tsunade approach him with a warm smile.

"How did your mission go?" she called through the loud collections of conversation, while taking a hold of his arm and gently tugging him deeper into the room.

"What's going on?" Kakashi asked, barely registering her question, his attention instead taken by his surroundings.

He could feel all eyes on him, indicating that he was clearly the focus of this event, and he knew why. He wanted nothing more than to rip his arm from his Hokage's grip and run as fast as he could out of the building. His heart flared in panic at whatever else was coming next; more smiles, polite voices of condolence towards his 'misfortune.' This wasn't the way he'd wanted this day to go; it was _his_ day – _their_ day. No one else's.

Tsunade pulled him into a small gathering, where he was greeted by Genma, Kotetsu, and Izumo.

"Yo," Genma offered a light smirk, eyeing the jounin's filth-stained uniform. "Didn't have time to change, huh?"

"Oh!" Kakashi's eye widened as he suddenly remembered the scroll in his pouch. "Tsunade-sama," he murmured, fishing out the scroll and handing it to her.

He failed to notice the blank stare of amazement he received from his Hokage.

A ghostly image had caught his eye, and he turned to glance at a table placed against the wall to see a large picture frame sat upon it, containing a photograph he hadn't at all expected to see. Caught of guard, his heart skipped a beat, as Iruka's beautiful, chocolate eyes stared straight back at him. They held so much warmth, gentleness, and life, and his smile…!

_Oh God, _he heard his own voice inside his head, a weak, helpless voice he hadn't designed, or even knew he possessed. A dark shadow crossed his heart, as he realised all over again just how lost he was without Iruka, and how much he truly missed him…

"Kakashi?" Tsunade called softly, noticing the sudden change in the jounin's expression. "We haven't forgotten him, Kakashi," she tried, "at all."

It was Iruka's chuunin graduation photograph. Kakashi knew that because he remembered when Iruka had first approached him with an old box full of possessions. He called it his 'memory box.' He'd trusted Kakashi enough to open it up and reveal what was inside; old letters from Iruka's father, who often worked throughout the night, slept during the day and was barely able to see his son. They would communicate through letters, leaving them out on the dining table for each other. Iruka had kept them all, and even let Kakashi read a few of them. That photograph was also in the box, and Kakashi could still remember the adorable laugh of embarrassment that left Iruka's lips when the chuunin pointed out his goofy, proud smile in the photo at when he had achieved chuunin rank.

"Kakashi?" Genma tried, deeply concerned at the jounin's spaced-out behaviour.

Kakashi's eye flickered back to them in startle, having almost forgotten where he was. "Huh?" He glanced at the scroll still tucked in Tsunade's hand behind her glass of sake, frowning. "Aren't you going to put that away?"

Tsunade blinked, and looked down to where the jounin was looking. "Oh! Yes," She nodded awkwardly. "I'll go and… do that now,"

Kakashi's eye squinted, this time, catching the sudden look of astonishment that flashed in her eyes. He eyed the scroll, before looking back to her with a long, piercing stare, realisation finally dawning on him.

"It's not a real scroll," he said flatly. "Is it."

An awkward silence grew between them.

Tsunade looked away uncomfortably, folding her arms as though standing her ground, yet she was also extremely aware of just how careful she needed to be.

"I just wanted to keep you busy today, that's all," She turned back to him, calming her expression and trying to keep the peace. "I was just doing you a favour, okay?"

Kakashi stared at her, humiliation filling his entire being as he realised he had been purposely sent away under special treatment. He couldn't believe that he hadn't caught on before; how could he not have noticed the scroll wasn't real?

Tsunade was struggling to bite her tongue, having been against this entire careful and gentle approach in the first place to avoid supporting this false-hope Kakashi refused to let go of. She'd thought that by now, Kakashi would finally start to accept that - after over a year - Iruka was not going to return. Although understanding his pain, she was tired of walking on egg-shells around him, of having to offer the jounin special treatment just to avoid an emotional collapse that everyone could see coming a mile away.

Kakashi stole a fast glance of his comrades standing next to them, who were looking anywhere in the room but at him.

"You all knew, then?" he gave a small, cynical laugh, attempting and failing to mask his humiliation.

"Kakashi," Genma sighed, shaking his head. "She didn't mean any harm."

Kakashi turned back to Tsunade, a glare tightening his eye. "I'm assuming those traps were all carefully prepared especially for me, then?"

"Yes, they were." Tsunade answered firmly, beginning to lose her patience. She sighed. "With all due respect, Kakashi, you've only proved my point that you're not fit to be taking on real missions anyway. It took you until now to realise the scroll was fake, and you even needed my help doing that!"

The room fell silent, all eyes turning to the confrontation at hand. At the sight of Kakashi staring in shock at her outburst, she groaned, quickly trying to fix the damage she had done to try and calm him down, because he was impossible to reason with in this state.

"Look, I was just trying to help you get through this day, help you get over Iru-"

"Don't!" Kakashi snapped, a nasty look held in his eye that really didn't suit him.

Tsunade gritted her teeth, figuring that this confrontation wasn't going to wait until they were somewhere quiet.

"We've done _everything_ we can, Kakashi! We've had search-teams out there looking for him! We've contacted every Kage around these lands who have found _nothing!_ We've had the ANBU searching – _you've_ searched for him! What more can I do?" Her voice was strained but genuine, honestly wanting an answer; what more could she do? "I _know_ it's difficult! I _know_ you want answers, but it's not going to happen! You need to accept it and deal with it – Iruka is dead!"

"He's not dead!" Kakashi hissed, fingers squeezing into a tight fist to resist from overreacting, heart twisting painfully in his chest at that word. "You made me stop looking! You called back all of the search-teams!" His eye began to water behind his glare as he struggled to hold back, completely oblivious to the company surrounding them. "I begged you! I begged you to let me keep searching! I would have found him if you'd let me! But instead, you sedated me!"

Various citizens subtly crept out through the door, sensing the dangerous atmosphere and wanting no part in it. It was clear from Kakashi's quivering tone that he was trying with all his might to keep from falling apart and embarrassing himself, though it didn't take a genius to also catch the resentment in his words towards Tsunade's past decision. He blamed her for Iruka's disappearance, and he'd probably not had the courage, or maybe too much to lose until now to let her know that.

"I did what I thought was best, Kakashi," Tsunade said flatly and sighed, painting a new, soft look in her eye. "Look, let's not spoil the night, eh? We've saved a candle for you over there," She pointed to the lonely candle standing beside the picture frame. "Why don't you light it for him?"

"No!" Kakashi shouted, shaking his head at the absurd suggestion. "He's not dead!" He turned to the gawking crowd in disgust, sick to death of this entire situation being brushed off so easily. "You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Standing there drinking to his 'unfortunate demise!'"

"Kakashi!" Genma cut in, eyeing his friend sternly. "We're all doing our best, here!" His brows knitted weakly, as though pleading for some decency.

Kakashi looked away, the senbon-user's words seeming to sink in. Beginning to calm down, he suddenly realised just how many people were still standing there, staring at him. He hesitated, not knowing where to look or go, and abruptly turned on his heel to leave the room as fast as he could.

Genma realised a breath he'd been holding when he heard the door click shut, inwardly debating with himself whether or not to go after the jounin. But he refrained, knowing it was best to leave Kakashi alone until the man had fully calmed down, and by the looks of things, got himself some sleep.

He glanced at Tsunade, who was holding a hand to her forehead, massaging there gently to ease away the aching throb. Despite how deep her words had properly cut, Genma couldn't help but feel relieved that finally, someone had knocked some sense into Kakashi.

x—

Kakashi quietly opened the door to his apartment and slipped inside. He headed straight for the bedroom, holding a small, white box in his arms, and cradling it gently to his chest. He closed the bedroom door behind him, placing the box and receipt down on the bed before turning to the closet and opening its doors.

With an exhausted eye, he searched along the top shelf and, finally finding what he was looking for, slid out a large, black wooden box from its hiding place at the back of the closet. He sank to his knees, placing the box delicately on the floor, before carefully peeling off the lid.

An eerie sense of nostalgia grew inside of him as he gazed at the crinkled-up letters piled up inside, having not touched or been anywhere near his lover's beloved possessions for almost a year now, as though he feared his fingerprints would wipe away the last piece of life he had left with the chuunin. Ever so gently, he picked out the letters, placing them to one side as he searched through the memory box for something else.

Right at the bottom of the box, he found it; the framed photograph of Iruka's chuunin graduation. The faintest of smiles tugged at the corner of Kakashi's lips, as he studied the chuunin's bright smile that had always filled him with such warmth; those beautiful, brown eyes that never deceived Kakashi with the affection they held for him.

A thin line of water leaked in Kakashi's eye, as his smile faded with the reminder of how much he missed Iruka, of how far he would go, and how hard he would strive, just to have back the one thing that held every ounce of meaning to his life. He would trade every possession he owned for a second chance, to rewind back to that day and know of the outcome.

He took in a long, shaky breath, willing away a hot tear that threatened to fall. Standing to his feet, he then approached the set of drawers and slid one open, taking out an old lighter. He returned to the bed with the items in his hands, turning off the lamp along the way.

Settling down on the bed, he placed the lighter and photograph down, and opened the white box in front of him. Lifting the lid, he gazed tiredly at the small, plain baked cake inside, next to it, a single candle.

He arranged the candle in the centre of the cake, and then lit the tip. A faint glow filled that part of the room, a ghostly light flickering across Iruka's photograph. Kakashi licked his dry, trembling lips, swallowed the thick lump at the back of his throat, and inhaled another breath of air.

"…Ru?" his lover's name barely left his lips, lost somewhere at the back of his throat.

A pained expression crossed his face, as he struggled to find his voice. "B-Baby? Can you h-hear me?"

He wasn't sure that if an answer would come, he'd want to know of it. With his eye fixed on the flickering flame, he hesitantly moved a hand behind him, fingers blindly searching for the sweater by his pillow. Finding it, he pulled it close to his face, grasping it tightly in his hands, desperate for some form of comfort.

"I-I…" he stuttered out, trying to catch his breath again. "I really n-needed you today… I r-really wanted to spend this day with you…"

He shut his eye tight to force back his tears, but the pain was too strong now that he'd confronted it, and his sudden, deep sob of helplessness betrayed him.

"I'd do anything!"

He buried his face deeper into the sweater, muffling his sob that he'd lost control over. "I can't do this without you, Ru, I don't know what to do anymore! You've left me on my own and I don't know where you are!" Caught in his helpless cries, his own words failed to register to him what he was saying. They just poured from his mouth, as though every shattered piece of his heart had formed a mind of their own.

He cried until his energy had drained, leaving him both emotionally and physically exhausted; his entire feeling nothing but a numb ache.

Finally beginning to calm down, he lifted his damp face from the fabric to gaze at the flame again, taking in another deep breath.

"I'll m-make another wish for you, to c-come back to me, or help me find you,"

He licked his dry lips, steadying his voice again. "Please, just give me a sign, anything… Show me that you're alive, and I_ promise_ you, I'll be right there. I'll bring you home…"

Slowly, he leaned into the candle light, a lonely tear falling along his cheek.

"Happy birthday, baby…"

The flame went out, and darkness surrounded him.

x—

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The chirping birds outside jerked Kakashi from his deep sleep, the entire thirty-odd hours of staying awake the previous days now taking its toll, as he woke up to a pounding headache. Opening his tired eyes, he gazed idly at the strange angle of his room, before lifting his head to examine his position in the bed. He was lying across the width of the frame, one foot tucked up against the back of his thigh and the other dangling from the edge somewhere. Stretching out his leg, he winced at the painful cramp in his thigh, and pressed his palm into the muscle to ease it a little. Despite the headache, sharp cramp, and urgent desire for a shower, he felt better today, the long sleep having restored some energy in him.

Pain subsiding, he shifted and sat up, his mismatched eyes raking lazily over various items he could barely remember bringing to the bed; the birthday cake was still sitting before him, untouched, Iruka's sweater scrunched up beside him, and various pieces of paper scattered around the mattress. Frowning, he picked up the papers, trying to remember when he had taken them out of the box. He looked through them, recognizing them as notes he and Iruka had left out for each other when first moving in together; one of them was ironically a reminder (or telling off) from Iruka to throw them away, as the pile had eventually stacked so high they had become a pretentious ornament.

He never did throw them away, his reason being that he was merely too lazy to get back up from the sofa after long and tiring missions just for a piece of paper, and Iruka was too stubborn to participate Kakashi's childish theory that the chuunin was too scared to accept his 'dare' and throw them away himself. It was four months after Iruka's disappearance that Kakashi finally moved them, along with everything else in his home that belonged or connected to Iruka in any way. It was not because he wanted to forget his lover, but to ease his own pain towards the reminder of what he had lost, and the frustration of not being able to do a thing about it.

He inhaled a deep sigh, taking in the scent of freshly cut grass outside. It was a smell he never used to like, but had become fond of over the past year or so, as it always gave him some reassurance that wherever his lover was, he was warm and dry. It was the winter season he now hated, especially during storms, where the jounin would fall helpless to the unknowing of whether or not his lover was warm enough, if he had shelter, or had even eaten.

He had never wanted Iruka to go on the mission he had been assigned in the first place; while he had respected and acknowledged the chuunin for everything he was capable of, Kakashi was not polite enough to ignore skills he had honestly never seen in Iruka. The chuunin was an academy teacher; it was what Iruka had wanted to be from the start of his career, Kakashi having been present when the chuunin had even asked the Hokage's permission to apply. He possessed excellent skills in teaching, and qualities Kakashi had noticed when first meeting Iruka; patience, kindness, loyalty, honesty… The latter was the issue Kakashi had confronted Tsunade with when she had assigned Iruka this mission – after sharing a relationship with the chuunin, Kakashi knew that Iruka's eyes revealed his thoughts and intentions too much. He could sense when Iruka ever felt uncomfortable, afraid, or upset.

Perhaps it was just the exposure Iruka had granted him with, but it was Iruka's motivation that had triggered Kakashi's concern; when they had decided to bring their relationship out into the open, Iruka had received a lot of social mistreatment from some of his co-workers who believed that the infamous sharingan warrior deserved someone who truly complimented his reputation. At first, Iruka tried to ignore it, believing Kakashi's promise that he did not feel at all the same way, and that said co-workers would eventually find something better to gossip about. It was when a certain jounin in the mission room had cried out loud in hysterical laughter at the gossip – in front of Iruka – that the humiliated chuunin developed his burning desire to prove to those who sniggered that he was worthy of being with Kakashi.

That was how the frequent missions started. Iruka's shift patterns changed quite noticeably as he had requested the Hokage to assign him more missions within the highest level he was capable of. He would train longer than necessary in the evenings to adapt his body to the new lifestyle he had chosen, the sessions sometimes lasting long enough for Kakashi to lose his patience when he had barely seen his lover all day.

Kakashi had honestly never seen the situation as an issue, having acknowledged and appreciated everything Iruka was from the start, perhaps even underestimating the chuunin on some levels too. He did not want someone he was apparently supposed to deserve due to their own success, but someone who he could really see himself lying beside at night for the rest of his life – someone whose company he truly enjoyed, humour he shared, that one person who would make every struggle and step home worth while because there was something to return to. For Kakashi, Iruka had fit those needs like a glove, though his word had never been enough for Iruka, who had strived to become something more for his lover, and in doing so, had sealed his own fate, and Kakashi's too.

_Enough, _Kakashi reprimanded himself, deciding he had endured enough of his dwelling. He had another day to get through, and if remembering correctly, a couple of friends to apologise to. He inwardly groaned, a cringe wrinkling his features at the memory of last night, when he had so openly lost his self-control and made a spectacle of himself.

Taking in a sharp breath of preparation, he pulled himself up from the bed and onto his feet, snatching the nearest reach of clothing from the set of drawers, and heading towards the bathroom. Turning on the shower, the jounin quickly undressed while waiting for the temperature to settle. While reaching for his toothbrush, he caught a glance of himself in the mirror.

He blinked his wide, mismatched eyes, silver brows twitching in confusion as he noticed the faintest of marks printed in his pale cheek. Frowning, he turned his head slightly to take a better view, entire being filling with a sudden wave of mixed emotions as he identified the mark written in blue pen, spelling out the word 'love.' His world froze for a moment, breath coming to a halt, as he struggled for explanation, and finally recollected the notes he had laid with on his bed last night. He must have rolled onto them in his sleep.

Turning his gaze to the sink, he swallowed back the thick lump in his throat, and inhaled a shaky breath to compose himself once more. Emotion now locked firmly back in its place, the jounin stepped into the shower and prepared to begin another day.

x—

Stepping out of the mission room building, Genma was surprised to see the copy ninja settled back on a high branch in the nearest tree, watching him subtly behind his orange book. The gaze was delicate, as though the jounin was in the middle of deciding from the senbon-user's facial features whether or not approaching was a better choice later. To be honest, the feeling had been mutual for Genma, who had been uncertain how his friendship with Kakashi may turn after his involvement with something his gut feeling had told him was a bad idea. Kakashi had never been one to hold grudges, or to even participate in any kind of bad feeling, but Genma was already deeply aware of how severely the copy ninja's personality had changed over this past year. He was too unpredictable to assume, an opinion that made Genma more cautious as he offered his friend a gentle nod of acknowledgement.

Kakashi's book shifted down slightly from his face, revealing a glimpse of his mask as the jounin's stare turned bold. After a short, awkward moment, he pulled himself to his feet, before jumping down to the ground. Genma quickly rearranged his papers in his arm, and approached the man.

"Hey," he greeted, a smile forming around the senbon at the corner of his lips.

Kakashi snapped his book closed, failing to keep track of his current page – to Genma's notice, who predicted it had been there more as a form of comfort than entertainment. Finally, the jounin looked him in the eye, his gaze as empty as ever.

"I'm sorry about last night," Kakashi suddenly mumbled, gloved hand burying his book into his pouch and seeming to find a home there. "I didn't mean to make a scene or upset anyone."

"You didn't," Genma smiled weakly, a small ounce of relief washing over him. "It was a stupid idea, and Tsunade-sama knows she was out of line – we just wanted to show our support, that's all…" Of course, Genma knew the rule to avoid mentioning Iruka entirely.

Kakashi nodded, his eye moving to the floor. "I know, and I appreciate it, it's just-"

"It's fine," Genma interrupted, waving his hand in dismissal. "Look, I have a mission in an hour, but I should be back sometime tonight. If you're up for it, we can go halves on some sake and a take out," because his friend 'was not a charity case,' and offering to pay for all of it will only suggest otherwise. Genma inwardly sighed, the severity of complications in this new Kakashi never getting any easier in terms of communication.

Glancing back up from the ground, the copy ninja's eye crinkled slightly, signaling a soft smile. "Alright."

"I'll see you later, then." Genma gave his friend a warm smirk, before heading off down the pathway.

Kakashi turned the other direction and made his way to the Hokage's tower, preparing himself an apology he did not entirely feel the need to make. The humiliation of being tricked like that had yet to fade. The feeling was even worse now that he'd had time to digest everything and realise that numerous people had been involved in creating those traps for him to crawl through - to retrieve a scroll that was not even real! How could he not have noticed? His grimaced weakly under his mask in deep embarrassment, yet his eye flared in anger at his superior's degrading decision. He had never wanted any special treatment in the first place; he just wanted to be left alone, away from the careful conversation around the 'bereaved' partner, and the sympathetic smiles from people who 'understand.'

A set of foot steps snapped him out of his thoughts, as he came back to reality and realised he was now on the stairs inside the tower. He tensed as the foot steps came closer, an uncertain feeling growing inside of him as he struggled to decide how to behave given last night's performance. Before he knew it, he found himself staring up at the person he had been searching, and received a startled glance, before Tsunade composed herself and gave the copy ninja a small nod.

"I want a word." she said quietly, nudging her head towards her office down the corridor; her original journey seemingly postponed.

Inhaling a sharp breath, Kakashi walked up the steps and followed behind her, his eye fixed on the floor beneath him as he rehearsed words he had wanted to say for a long time, though had not until now been given the opportunity.

He followed her into the office and closed the door behind him, before slowly approaching the desk; the uncomfortable silence having followed him inside. Tsunade watched him with little subtly, observing the careful and hesitant manner about him, an immense difference to the playful jounin who would once bounce in from the window. It drove her crazy back then, the jounin being skilled enough to enter beyond her knowledge, and give her a heart attack when spontaneously appearing before her while she was in the midst of paperwork. An irritating entrance indeed, but one she had become fond of since its vanishing.

Kakashi glanced down at her, a noticeable look of reluctance in his eye that he was trying to hold back. "I want to apologise about last night. I was out of line."

Tsunade looked down at her desk, thinking carefully.

"Have a seat," She looked back up when he didn't move, raising a pleading brow. "Please?"

After a moment, the jounin slowly sat down opposite her, gaze falling on a random scratch mark in the desk.

"The party…" Tsunade began, taking a deep breath. "It was my fault," she suddenly admitted, opening out her hands in a subconscious manner of surrender.

"Most of them were against the idea, but…" She stopped, glaring at the desk for a minute as she considered her choice of direction in this conversation. "Look – I can see I've hurt your pride enough, so I'll spare the patronizing and cut to the chase."

Kakashi's heart twisted at that, a distant fear coming to surface of a reality he did not want to acknowledge. Her brown eyes pierced into his, a somber, harsh look there that Kakashi really did not like.

"I have been so patient with you this past year, Kakashi," Her light brows knitted, as though pleading for an end to this. "I have tried everything in my power to help you snap out of this."

Kakashi's attention remained on the scratch mark in the desk, breath lost in his throat, and his gut trembling inside of him at the confrontation he did not want to have, even with himself.

Assuming the silence to be a reply, Tsunade continued. "I admit the fake scroll was a bad decision, but it was not meant to make you feel incompetent in any way – I just wanted to get you out of the village for that day, concentrate on something else rather than _him_. It was an opportunity to make yesterday a little bit easier for you, nothing more. Do you understand?"

Kakashi nodded faintly, his argument vanished from his mind and replaced with a numb feeling. He stole a small glance of the window with a sudden longing to be out there, away from this. Tsunade sighed, realising they were not getting anywhere. Kakashi's withdrawn attitude made that evident.

"I'm thinking of putting you on recovery leave," she announced, catching the jounin's attention at that. "We'll call it a vacation. You can go somewhere nice, away from the village for a while…"

"I can't." Kakashi quietly declined, shaking his head.

Tsunade frowned. "Why not?"

A silence grew between them, signaling that there wouldn't be an answer anytime soon, though Tsunade had a feeling she already knew what he was thinking.

"…If we ever had any news, anything at all, then you know you'd be the first I'd inform..." she promised, raising a generous brow.

"I know that," Kakashi said honestly, finally meeting her eyes. "I just…" His eye twitched lightly, as he tried to find his wording. "I don't want to be too far away," _in case he needs me… _

"Well, what are you going to do then?" Tsunade asked, ignoring the reasoning behind Kakashi's answer to avoid another argument like last night; there was only so much she could do – he needed to finally grasp the realisation for himself that Iruka would not be returning home. "Just mope around the village feeling sorry for yourself?"

She received a glare from the jounin, though it was extremely subtle, as he remained her respectful subordinate.

Tsunade sighed deeply, her stern expression now replaced with something gentle, yet there was a hint of worry in her eyes. "If you keep this up, Kakashi, you'll fade away… and I don't want that to happen."

"Give me a mission then," Kakashi requested, quickly shooting her a small glare. "A _real_ one."

"I… thought we went over this…" Tsunade sighed out.

"A small one," Kakashi bargained. "Anything you want."

Tsunade crossed her arms. "No."

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi sighed, rubbing his tired eye. "I don't want to be in the village during the day, and I don't want a holiday. Please, just give me _something_ to do."

Tsunade snapped her gaze away with a groan, frowning at the empty space of carpet. She chewed on her bottom lip, eyes squinting in thought as she searched for a solution. Despite Kakashi's feelings on the matter, she was not prepared to assign him a high rank mission, _especially _after the jounin's failure in noticing last night that the scroll was not real. Finally, she turned back to him with a stubborn look, as her hand disappeared underneath the desk, picking out a small pile of papers from the drawer.

Kakashi watched her flick through the pages, genuinely curious as to what mission she would be assigning him.

"Alright," she suddenly broke the silence, slamming down two sheets on the desk. "You've got two choices – take it or leave it. There's a daycare at the other side of the village which is always screaming out with vacancies," A smirk crawled along her lips at the grimace creasing the jounin's mask. "9am – 4pm, five days a week, helping the kids with activities and-"

"What's the other one?" Kakashi asked, eyeing the daycare assignment sheet as though it was an explosive tag.

"Would have thought that was right up your street," Tsunade joked with a snort, swiping the next sheet from the desk. "Or, there's the dog kennels; feeding, cleaning…"

"Dogs?" Kakashi blinked, hesitantly glancing at the genin-rank assignment sheet. Despite his shame, he could not help his interest, already knowing that there was no other option right now. It was better than the daycare, or going out of the village on vacation.

"You… want to do it?" Tsunade stared with wide eyes, unsure on whether to be amused or not.

"Would that be alright?" Kakashi asked quietly, biting his lip under his mask. "Just for today…"

"Fine, fine," Tsunade sighed, handing over the sheet, before she eyed him sternly. "But the dog's stay in the kennels, understood?"

Kakashi nodded. "Um, Tsunade-sama…?" he whispered, his voice barely audible underneath his clear embarrassment.

"Don't worry," Tsunade laughed warmly, already expecting his question. "This will stay between us."

"Thank you."

Kakashi's eye crinkled softly in a smile, surprising Tsunade some. She had been preparing herself all morning for another inevitable heated confrontation like last night, having expected a much tougher approach from Kakashi. Despite how things may have seemed, she was entirely aware of the copy ninja's grudge towards the decision she had made that day, an unspoken glance of resentment she often noticed in Kakashi's eye during his bad days, however he had not until last night been so willing to bring the subject to surface. Understanding the effects this had had on Kakashi over the past year, Tsunade had been willing to discuss it now that they were alone and had time to think over their words, but Kakashi seemed strangely subdued today.

Perhaps, she wondered, this was the sign of a new start for Kakashi; if he was finally beginning to realise that it was time to move on. A healing process; a little overdue – but finally, some progress. She just needed to follow his pace, she guessed.

x—

The smell of dirty, sweaty dogs made Kakashi feel as though he was surprisingly at home. He had entered the dog kennels dressed in spare civilian clothing found at the back of his wardrobe, wanting to remain anonymous for the sake of whatever was left of his dignity, to be safe from rumours travelling around the village. The knowledge that he had fallen so low in his own standards had been lodged into the back of his mind for a long time now, a piece of reality he had always been aware of but loathed to acknowledge. He was not oblivious to this new perception people had on him, or to the gossip both shinobi and civilian whispered without realising he could hear every word. That was the reason he had chosen to take the back streets as his main routes when travelling around the village, to spare himself the chance of confronting this new world without Iruka, and being forced to leave his old life behind… again.

While there was still a chance, Kakashi was determined to keep holding on and hoping for some news. After a year, the village was still left without any clue on what happened to the chuunin; there was no body found, no witnesses brought forth, no information whatsoever, and Kakashi refused to accept that as a conclusion that either way, Iruka met his demise. There had to be something they had been missing, and he would not rest until either they had found it, or a corpse was delivered through the gates.

Unlocking the large cage with keys he had been issued at the desk, Kakashi leant down slightly to step inside, careful with his footing as to not tread on the small pups rushing around his feet in excitement. He held the large bag of dog food in the crook of his elbow and crouched to the floor, lowering his hand for the small pups to sniff at his scent. A soft smile curled on his lips as all five brown and black shaded pups stood on their hind legs to explore the new visitor, enjoying a form of attention that was, for once, not focussed on his wellbeing, but merely his presence.

It was somewhat calming to be around the animals he felt strangely connected to, who probably understood him more than most, as the mother of the pups sat in the corner of the kennels merely watched the visitor with two high alerted ears, seeming not at all threatened by this stranger around her vulnerable young, but curious. She was a beautiful dog, with long brown fur and black patches all over, nose long yet smoothed at the end, in a shape not so typical of the average Alsatian. Kakashi could see a Collie breed in her face, a beautiful and healthy mixture he would have loved to train if he ever found a nin-kin of her type.

He buried his hand into the bag and took out a handful of biscuits, gently tossing them across the floor to give each pup a chance to reach and eat, rather than fight over a bowl all at once. He threw another handful in the other direction, watching in amusement as the pups raced around the cage, tripping over themselves and each other through high-pitched squeaks. Leaving the pups to their meal, he slowly shuffled closer to the mother, keeping his movements exceedingly slow and cautious to offer her confidence in his approach. He stopped before her, slowly lifting his bare hand to lightly trail his fingers along the surface of her back, feeling the soft fur against his tips. He glanced to her eyes, the female merely watching him calmly, before her attention turned to the bag in his hand. Kakashi smiled, burying his hand into the bag to take another handful of biscuits, and let them fall across the floor in front of her.

He moved back to let her eat, slowly standing to his feet and preparing his leave, however the faintest of twitches in the pile of newspapers at the other corner caught the ninja's attention, as he glanced to it with furrowed silver brows. The papers twitched again, the movement subtle and weak, possibly unnoticed to the untrained eye, however it raised the jounin's curiosity. Leaving the dogs to their scavenging, he approached the corner and crouched down, carefully peeling back the damp, stained papers with a delicate hand.

He blinked at his discovery, staring down at a stray pup covered under the papers, its colours matching its siblings yet its form extremely different. The pup was immensely smaller than the others, tiny tail kinked in an odd, deformed position, eyes glued shut and unable to open no matter how hard it tried. He heard a small squeak from the young pup, the sound seeming nothing like the attempt of a bark but closest to that of an annoying toy being trod on. It was lying on its side, and to Kakashi's knowledge, dying from the lack of sources it seemed too weak to get up and find.

"Hmmm…" Kakashi sighed, knowing the food he had been issued at the reception was not at all big enough for this small pup to digest, or even swallow.

Without thinking further, the jounin lifted the newspapers and discarded them aside, before ever so gently cupping the small pup in his hands.

x—

"And she let you keep it?" Genma blinked.

"Him." Kakashi corrected the senbon user, placing the tiny pup down on his folded up flak jacket and wrapping him up for warmth.

Genma let out a small laugh, shaking his head as he opened his bottle of sake. Taking two cups, he filled them, and offered his friend one. "You haven't told her, have you?" he smirked.

"It's not really her business," Kakashi defended with a small shrug, taking the cup and placing it to his lips. "I don't need the Hokage's permission to keep a dog anyway, no one else does." He took a sip of the sake, watching the pup nestle inside his flak jacket.

"I showed him to the lady at the reception desk and she said they had been expecting him to die for a couple of days," He frowned, a sudden bitter expression seeming to cross in his brows. "Is it just me, or does nobody seem to get a chance anymore?"

Genma bit his lip awkwardly, understanding that Kakashi's question was a lot deeper than he voiced. He looked away, deciding to steer away from the conversation surfacing to avoid an uncomfortable atmosphere.

"So, does he have a name?"

"I don't know," Kakashi's eye never left the sick pup. "I was thinking Pip," He smirked, now glancing to Genma with a crinkled eye of amusement. "It's funny."

"Right…" Genma blinked, shrugging the matter off as another one of Kakashi's weird quirks. "So, are you and 'Pip' going to be… um, starting again… together?"

"Maa, well I'll need to get to know the guy," Kakashi drawled, watching the faint rising and falling of his flak jacket, signaling a healthy breath. "And I'll need to get him a bed and some propper food, instead of just sending him off to a summoning world," he smirked.

"That's not… what I meant," Genma sighed out, gazing hesitantly at his friend.

Kakashi nodded, all amusement vanishing from his eye. "I know."

There was a long silence, as Genma again struggled to understand the jounin's chain of thought, and whether or not to change the subject again, or confront the matter in hopes of helping his friend. He had to be so careful around Kakashi, who was always in control of the pace of conversation around Iruka, or anything to do with him on that matter. It was hard for Genma, because he constantly had to second guess the result of any strategy he tried in getting Kakashi talking, knowing that one step out of line could raise those walls that had taken Genma months to break down to really see the vulnerable, frustrated, and frightened Kakashi who was in desperate need of support, but perhaps too afraid to ask, for fear that it would shatter the hope inside of him that some good news would finally come. Genma knew that one could only ask for help once they had acknowledged they had a problem, and it would take a long time for Kakashi to finally ask for help in starting a new chapter of his life, because to do so, he would need to accept that Iruka would never come home.

"You know what scares me?"

Kakashi's voice snapped Genma from his thoughts, as the senbon user stared up at him in surprise, not accepting such an invitation to his feelings.

"What?" he whispered with wide eyes, gratefully accepting whatever Kakashi was offering to share.

"I…" Kakashi frowned, licking his dry lips. "You know... yesterday?"

Genma nodded, noticing the hesitance in the jounin's voice. There was another short silence, as Genma noticed a somewhat embarrassed look in Kakashi's eye as the jounin looked away.

"I asked him yesterday… for a sign," Kakashi whispered.

Genma blinked, unsure what he was talking about, but quickly snapped into realisation; he meant Iruka!

Kakashi leaned back against the sofa, leaving the pup to sleep in his lap as he moved his gaze to the wall. "…So I could know if he was… you know,"

Genma felt his heart crack, as he swallowed thickly. "Alive?"

Kakashi shook his head.

"Dead." he corrected, surprising Genma at the word spoken out so carelessly. His eye then fell to his lap, silver brows knitting weakly as he took in a sharp breath.

"Sometimes I wish he was." he quietly admitted, his voice dripping with guilt and shame, though having been inaudible if Genma hadn't been straining his hearing.

"You do?" Genma asked in shock, deeply concerned at this sudden change of attitude.

Kakashi nodded timidly, refusing to look his friend in the eye. "Because then this would all stop… and I could…"

The sudden pained look in his face crossed a shadow along Genma's heart, as he began to understand what the jounin was saying.

"It's just _not knowing,_" Kakashi hissed quietly, a sudden burst of frustration releasing inside of him though it was tamed. "You have no idea how it feels, to not _know, _and to not be able to do anything about it."

"I just wish…" he cut himself off, squinting at the floor as he tried to find his words and compose himself, though Genma could see tears watering the line of Kakashi's eye. "I just wish I could _know_, just _know_ at least! And then all of this would stop, and then I could…"

"Find yourself again?" Genma asked, raising a delicate brow.

Kakashi turned to face his friend, yet his eye contact was extremely weak out of guilt and shame, as he slowly nodded. He stared at Genma for a moment, believing the senbon user understood him a little, despite barely understanding himself at all anymore.

Genma gave his friend a weak, sad smile. "I wish I could give you that answer, Kakashi…"

"Then answer me something else," Kakashi quickly responded, his voice suddenly blunt with a hard look in his eye. It was amazing how quickly those emotions could switch. "And I want an honest answer."

Genma blinked, caught off guard by the tone. "Okay…"

"What do _you_ think?" Kakashi asked, silver brows furrowing. "Do you think he's dead, or alive?"

"Kakashi…" Genma sighed, shaking his head. He knew how fragile Kakashi was right now, and was not prepared to influence him. Whatever his own beliefs were, he did not want to be responsible for this obsession that was only seeming to progress into a worse stage each time he saw the man.

"Just tell me." Kakashi urged impatiently. "I just want to know."

"You want to know whose side I'm on," Genma sighed again. "Yours or Tsunade's."

Kakashi frowned, an expression flashing in his eye that Genma couldn't place until the jounin looked away and turned silent. Genma bit his lip, suddenly feeling guilty, though he couldn't place why. He had clearly upset the jounin. He took a minute to analyze the situation, trying to understand. Why was his opinion so important, when Kakashi had literally raged at Tsunade for voicing her own last night?

He stole a subtle glance of Kakashi, studying the dark ring still painted under the jounin's eye, the hopelessness he could sense around the man and the loneliness too. Perhaps this was Kakashi's way of reaching out for help from someone he knew could at least try to understand, whose answer would be genuine, instead of what he was supposed to hear for the sake of his health. Genma didn't want to influence Kakashi any more than he wanted to hurt the man with a final blow of reality, but he also considered that maybe Kakashi just wanted to hear someone's else's perception, from someone who wasn't so involved, so lost deep inside the dark pit of his grief, struggling to understand his own thoughts.

"Alright," Genma nodded, taking a deep breath as he decided to offer Kakashi the honesty he felt the jounin deserved.

"I think he's alive."

Kakashi's looked back at him with a wide eye, shocked.

"I think there's too little evidence to assume he's dead," Genma breathed out, before turning to his friend, as he raised a brow. "And for what it's worth, I agree with you that Tsunade made a bad decision that day."

Kakashi stared at Genma in silence, taking in every word and repeating them over in his mind. After a short moment, he slowly nodded, his eye filled with genuine emotion.

"Thank you, Genma."


	3. Chapter 3

"How have things been?" Tsunade asked with a fresh look of hope in her eyes.

"Err," Genma scratched the back of his head as he analyzed his response. "So-so. He's talking a bit more. He told me about this kennel place he volunteered at,"

Tsunade resisted a smirk of amusement, presuming from the senbon-user's choice of wording that Kakashi had spoken of the mission she'd assigned as his own personal adventure.

"Sounds like he enjoyed it actually – he even took one of the pups back with him." Genma laughed. Tsunade's amusement quickly vanished, replaced by a sudden urge to smack the copy ninja on the back of his head for neglecting her clear orders.

"Well," She sighed solemnly. "Maybe that's just as well. Even if he is showing signs of progress, I don't think he's anywhere near ready to take on this mission." Her gaze fell upon the lonely blue folder sitting on the corner of the desk. Genma followed her gaze, gently chewing the senbon at the corner of his lips.

"We need him though," Genma quietly spoke his mind, receiving a reluctant glance of attention from his superior. "His use of summoning and sharingan are essential for this mission – his absence will only slow us down."

"If Kakashi could not even focus to identify a fake scroll, then how on Earth is he going to focus on this?" Tsunade frowned.

Genma grimaced weakly, torn between staying respectful and defending his friend. "It was Iruka's birthday… He was bound to be preoccupied. Wasn't that why those traps were created for him in the first place?"

Tsunade let out a deep sigh she had seemingly been holding onto for some time.

"It's not just that what concerns me," She eyed the blue folder again, an expression of sympathy clear in her eyes. "It's the _nature_ of the mission. It's too similar to… what happened with Iruka." She looked back at Genma and raised a light brow, the hierarchy between their ranks having vanished for a moment as she voiced her concerns to a friend. "We've both watched things go from bad to worse with Kakashi. I'm worried that this mission may push him over the edge."

Genma lowered his gaze to the floor and nodded in understanding, lost in his somber thoughts. The drumming of Tsunade's painted fingernails on the desk fell in sync with the clock's ticking, shifting away the silence as they reflected on the events that had taken place that day, when Kakashi's fate had been sealed by Iruka's disappearance. Who could tell when the severe effects of that day would finally settle, when Kakashi would finally begin to pick up the pieces of his life that had shattered around him? Each time Kakashi would begin to show signs of healing, his comrades were then left helpless to the new lengths Kakashi would go to in order to keep his obsession alive. Frustrated and powerless, they continued to try for Kakashi, hoping that every effort they made to lift the copy ninja's spirits and distract him with new opportunities in his duty would pay off. But after so many attempts, Tsunade began to believe that their concern was in fact feeding Kakashi's obsession. She believed that their understanding towards Kakashi's pain was only giving him reason to fall lower, that the soft approach everyone had wanted from her was doing more harm than good. And she had been right.

Genma's distracted mind was ripped from his thoughts at the heart-thumping sound of a fist hammering into the wooden desk in front of Tsunade. He managed to grasp his senbon between his lips before sucking in a startled gasp. She cursed loudly, large breasts bouncing in rhythm as the senbon user stared with wide, shocked eyes. It wasn't rare to see Tsunade in such an angry state, but the hard breaths of relief that rushed from her lungs gave Genma the feeling she had wanted to do that for some time.

"Enough is enough!" she hissed, though it sounded like she was talking mostly to herself. Genma blinked, suddenly feeling worried. "I've given him enough consideration and support, and it's just made things worse!"

Genma's heart sank in his chest, realising that Tsunade had finally lost her patience. What made him feel worse though was that part of him agreed with her. He could not deny that, no matter how much he cared for Kakashi.

"It's about time we all realised that things like this happen every day," Tsunade's tone had changed into something cold and abrupt, her eyes piercing into Genma's as though she was speaking to him, as well as Kakashi. "Iruka is dead, and that's all there is to it. Kakashi has had enough time to grieve, and now he needs to behave like a shinobi, and get on with it. He will be assigned this mission, and he will complete it."

Alarmed, Genma opened his mouth to speak, but Tsunade interrupted before he could connect his brain to his lips.

"I'm assigning you as Captain, Genma," she decided, knowing that although Kakashi's rank was higher than Genma's, she still had to consider that Kakashi was not in the right frame of mind to take on that responsibility – especially concerning the nature of this mission. "You will inform Kakashi that I expect him here, in my office at 3 o'clock. I have nothing left to say on the matter."

Genma was left standing numbly in the office with his mouth open, still digesting the decision Tsunade had come to. A mixture of emotions had clouded his attention to register Tsunade's signal for him to leave, too concerned with the effect this will have on Kakashi. Although Genma believed that Kakashi was vitally needed for this mission, this was not the approach he had hoped for in having the copy ninja on his team. He wanted Kakashi to want to return to an A rank, to reclaim the title of 'sharingan warrior' as he once was. But right now, Genma wasn't sure if Kakashi even knew what he wanted anymore – apart from Iruka.

Lifting his gaze back to Tsunade, he then lowered his head in a small bow of respect, hoping that this new, tougher approach would be worth the trouble it was going to cause.

"I'll pass on your orders right away."

x—

Searching for Kakashi was always a challenging task. Over the last seven months, the copy ninja had vanished entirely from the village's busy areas, as he preferred to travel out of the sight of watchful gossipers. After taking a detour around the village in hopes of bumping into the jounin, Genma then decided to start his search at Kakashi's apartment. Once arriving at his destination, Genma looked up at the large building, counting down the row of windows until he found Kakashi's. From the distance, Genma could see that the window was open, and knew that Kakashi was there. Even during the cold seasons, whenever Kakashi was home, his window was always open. Genma had noticed it a couple of months ago, though had never questioned it, predicting from the jounin's obsessive state of mind that it was for some reassurance that Iruka would have an easy way of entry no matter what condition he was in – if he was to ever come home.

Of course, even in the midst of grief, Kakashi still possessed some old, useful habits. The window had various traps connected to it, but they were intended to alert the copy ninja of someone's presence rather than simply shoot to kill. Genma knew this because he was the one who had reported it back to Tsunade, who was always updated on the concerns of Kakashi's wellbeing.

He climbed up the building, using his chakra to simply walk up along the bricks and step onto the window sill. Crouching slightly to avoid hitting his head against the open window frame, Genma took a searching glance of the copy ninja's bedroom, noticing that the bed to his right had already been made. There was no sign of Kakashi, and Genma could not sense the jounin's chakra. Eyebrows furrowing, he then leaned to catch sight of the next window where Kakashi's living room was. There, he saw a sleeping Kakashi curled up into the sofa, pale arm hanging over the edge. Genma smirked lightly in amusement at the jounin's lazy morning.

Gaze passing items on the coffee table in front of the sofa, Genma noticed an empty bottle of sake sitting on the table, various cups scattered around it. Next to the bottle, Genma's eyes suddenly widened in horror when he saw a plastic, empty medicine bottle lying on its side, its lid fallen on the floor. He glanced at the still and silent jounin, brows knitting in confusion as a familiar feeling of panic began to rise within him.

Blood now rushing from his face, a burst of panic surged through the senbon-user as he turned to pull himself through the small open gap of the window. He crawled over the windowsill, a distant clatter going dismissed by his attention as he knocked Mr Ukki on his side in the process. His mind began to spin through too many questions he could muster; how long had Kakashi been like this? What the_ fuck_ had made him do it?

Was he too late?

The trap's alarm sounded around the apartment, the noise loud and startling which only made Genma's panic increase as he hit the ground running, footsteps thumping against the wooden boards in sync with his drumming heart.

"Kakashi!"

He took a sharp turn around the corner, his vision solely focused on the copy ninja's still form lying on his side as he ran towards it. Without hesitation, the senbon user forced two strong arms around Kakashi's waist and yanked the jounin's frame up, strength fueled by the adrenaline rushing through his veins. Clouded by his irrational panic and sheer determination to transfer Kakashi to the hospital, he failed to notice Kakashi's mismatched eyes snap open in utter confusion as he was ripped from his sleep and bedding.

"What the _fuck_?"

Genma froze in disbelief at Kakashi's voice, stiff arms still wrapped around the jounin's waist as he now saw Kakashi's feet staggering across the floorboard for balance. He felt a surge of both humiliation and relief when Kakashi's head snapped up to catch sight of his attacker, mismatched eyes tightening into a baffled glare.

"What the hell are you doing, Genma?" Kakashi growled behind his mask. "Put me down!"

Arms shaking, Genma hesitantly released Kakashi, who fell onto the floor with a small thud. He glared up at Genma again; whose face had turned bright red in embarrassment. The alarm continued to scream against the walls, sending a throbbing ache to Kakashi's temples as he quickly span through a series of hand signs to shut it off.

Their ears rang through the deafening silence.

"I…" Genma gritted his teeth, his embarrassment suddenly replaced with anger. "What the fuck is_ that_?" he hissed, pointing at the medicine bottle displayed on the coffee table.

Kakashi looked to where Genma was pointing, blinking in confusion. "Painkillers." he answered simply, raising a hand to his head. "I had a headache…"

"It's empty!" Genma said accusingly, his suggestion now realised by Kakashi, who glared at him again.

"It was the last one!"

Genma stared the medicine bottle, dumbfounded. He slowly turned his gaze to the bottle of sake, trying to piece his understanding together. Kakashi followed his gaze, and put on his usual sarcastic tone.

"That was from last night," he informed slowly as though speaking to an idiot. He frowned when Genma guiltily met his eye. "When you were here..."

A long silence filled the room as Genma felt the full force of humiliation reach its highest, evident from the redness in his face which he was trying to hide behind his hair. He couldn't imagine the offense he had just caused by thinking such a thing, especially when the person he had so obviously accused of attempting suicide was the son of one who had succeeded in his attempt.

"I'm sorry," he finally said when Kakashi's stare became intolerable. "I didn't mean…"

Kakashi pulled himself up from the floor and dusted himself down, before picking up the empty bottles from the table. "Forget it." he murmured, lifting his gaze back to Genma with a small smile.

Genma couldn't help but smile back, relieved that his friend had not taken his words personally.

"So…" Kakashi raised a confused brow. "Why are you here?"

"Oh!" Genma mouthed around his senbon, suddenly remembering the assignment the Hokage had given. "Tsunade-sama has given us a mission together."

"A mission?" Kakashi blinked in surprise, truly astonished at Tsunade's unexpected decision to assign him a mission at his earned level. "What rank?"

"A," Genma grinned, pleased to see the eager look in Kakashi's eye at finally being returned his status. Perhaps this was what they had needed all along…

"What kind of mission is it?" Kakashi asked.

Having already thought it through, Genma told a quick lie, deciding that it was Tsunade's responsibility to explain details. After all, it was her bold decision.

"She wants to see both of us in her office at 3 o'clock. She'll inform us then."

"Alright," Kakashi nodded, the rare smile still displayed in his eye. "I'll meet you there."

x—

The news was still fresh in Kakashi's mind as he wondered what kind of mission Tsunade-sama had assigned him, and why she had decided at this moment to reintroduce him to an A rank. It seemed quite a leap from the D rank he had performed yesterday at the dog shelter, though while he was suspicious of the Hokage's decision, he was eager to complete his A rank. He only hoped he wouldn't be too far away from the village, knowing that even the most skilled of messenger birds had their limits even in an emergency.

Turning into the entrance of the Hokage tower, Kakashi stole a quick glance of the clock hanging on the wall that displayed the seven minutes of which he was late. He quickened his pace up the stairs, not wanting to taint his luck and change Tsunade's decision. That woman's mood could change from one extreme to another in a matter of seconds, a trait Kakashi had never understood how it was possible; if he woke up a miserable bastard, he usually went to bed a miserable bastard.

He barely had time to knock and make his presence heard as Tsunade's voice called for his entrance from the other side of the door. Opening the door, Kakashi stepped inside and saw Genma standing beside Tsunade's desk, dressed in the warmest clothing and fully equipped with his choice of weaponry. Closing the door behind him, Kakashi approached Tsunade at the desk, equipped with his side pouch and 1000 use of jutsu stored in his memory.

"Tsunade-sama," he greeted, offering a small bow.

"How's the pup?" Tsunade greeted back, giving him a scolding look that left Genma completely lost.

Kakashi ignored the remark, unsure as to why he needed her permission to keep a dog in the first place. "You have a mission for me?" he asked, tongue running along his inner teeth as he resisted the urge to blurt out his question of which location this mission was supposed to be.

"I'm sending you and Genma to The Water Country," Tsunade answered his question, catching Kakashi off guard as the jounin's eye widened in surprise. "We've received reports of three Kekkei Genkai users vanishing from their homes in the space of one week. I want you to go there and search for traces and any clues you can find as to what has happened to them – but I warn you, the people of this village are not kind to Kekkei Genkai users, and may be reluctant to answer any questions, so I want you to be subtle about their background information."

"Understood." Genma nodded.

Kakashi stared at that familiar scratch mark on the desk, still digesting the nature of what he was being ordered to do. It was… unbelievable.

"Kakashi," Tsunade caught his attention, that understanding look suddenly returning to her eyes. "I understand this will be difficult for you, but this is a very important mission, and the choices you make will affect the lives of three vulnerable people."

Kakashi licked his lips behind his mask and swallowed thickly. "How long is the duration of this mission?"

"As long as it takes you to find them." Tsunade answered boldly.

Her answer was a stab to Kakashi's heart, and he found himself staring at her in disbelief, every word vanished from his mind and replaced with shock. Sensing his rising fury, Genma tried to catch Kakashi's eye, hoping to persuade the jounin to stay quiet, but of course, it was inevitable.

"Why didn't Iruka get the same treatment?" Kakashi murmured in a dark tone, surprising Tsunade and Genma at the name called out so carelessly.

Tsunade took in a sigh, having expected this kind of response.

"Why am I being sent to find someone else's family, when _my_ Iruka is still missing?"

Genma lifted his hand in protest. "Kakashi-"

"Was it because of money?" Kakashi's silver brow raised, that nasty look in his eye returning. "You couldn't afford to go looking for an insignificant chuunin, so you just shrugged him off and replaced him. If that's what it would have taken, I'd have paid you myself to do your job and bring back the subordinate _you_ sent out there!"

"That's enough, Hatake!" Tsunade snapped, hammering her hands on the table. "I have tolerated more than enough from you and will speak no more on this subject. You have had more than enough time to come to terms with this, and now it is time to grow up, and start acting like a shinobi again."

Her eyes darkened threateningly, piercing into Kakashi's wide, stunned eye, and promising consequences if her words were not take seriously. "Now go and complete your mission!"

Kakashi had, never in his life felt so betrayed by someone he was supposed to trust and admire. It was like a dream, where one felt so desperate to be heard yet nobody around seemed to hear him. He couldn't understand why nobody seemed as desperate as he did for answers, or why Iruka's disappearance had been brushed off like this. And now, he was being forced to neglect his lover. As he stood before his Hokage, Kakashi had never felt so powerless, so… incapable of keeping his promise to protect all of those he had lost.

Lifting his gaze back to his superior, he looked at her with contempt, disgusted by the negligence she had and was still displaying towards Iruka's life, and his own too. But, as always, he remained her disciplined and respectful subordinate, as he shamefully lowered his head in a small bow.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama."

He then turned without another word, leaving the office as quickly as possible, to begin his mission.

_I'm sorry, Iruka…_


End file.
